Saturday, July 18, 2009
If Babies Could Post Want Ads
Positions Available: A pair of personal assistants will be needed to perform the tasks of feeding me and watching me sleep. Each of the assistants must be willing to devote a period of time of up to 30 but no less than 10 minutes at a time, anywhere from three to five hours apart, to accomplish the effectuation of my eating.
Skills required: Ability to supply milk via the pectoral region will be required in at least one assistant. Three-to-five years experience is encouraged but not required.
Additional duties: Often between the periods of time in which I consume my nutrients and go into hibernation I will evacuate myself of the food supplied me. As I am not yet accustomed to performing this in private through special plumbing fixtures, it will be your responsibility to see to it that I am cleaned afterwards.
When I am ready to sleep for a few hours, you may resume the fragments of whatever existence you enjoyed before you were hired. However, just in case I wake up suddenly you ought to enjoy them somewhere within earshot.
Personal assistants will be summoned through cries that will vary in volume and/or pitch depending on the severity of the need at hand.
Hours: 18 per day
Payment: You get to take pictures of me, post them on Facebook and get lots of adoring feedback from people who remember you from college.
Positions Available: A pair of personal assistants will be needed who have all of the same duties as on June 17 and who will give me a bath.
Skills required: Since I don’t have an actual interest in receiving a bath, and am certainly not going to do it myself, this will require an assistant willing to take on the delicate task of using a safe amount of water to wash my hair and skin while I complain loudly and at a high pitch.
Additional duties: Drying me off and dressing me again would also be good.
Hours: 20 per day
Payment: Occasionally I will smile (by accident) and make funny faces for those pictures you’re taking and posting on Facebook. Now your friends you barely remember from high school should be in on the comments and congratulations.
Positions Available: A pair of personal assistants will be needed who understand that my needs go beyond eating, sleeping and evacuating. Sometimes, long after I’ve finished extracting nutrients through the pectoral area of one of my assistants, I just want to keep nibbling on something. Am seeking someone who knows of an object that I may continue chewing on long after I have had enough milk.
The object in question would preferably be small, round and plastic, with some sort of mouth shield attached.
Additional duties: You should rub my stomach and say “Shhhh” while I’m nibbling on the plastic thing.
Hours: 20 per day (pacifier will do at least some of your work for you)
Payment: If you’ll assist me in stationing myself upright I will belch for you after eating. For whatever reason, personal assistants seem to take great joy in this.
Positions Available: A pair of personal assistants will be needed to provide their services when I need to eat, sleep, evacuate, bathe and cry even after all those tasks have been accomplished. Sometimes I just want to cry, and it will be your job to take turns trying figure out why. This job’s duties will require great patience and a high tolerance for loud noises and emotional distress.
Additional duties: Keeping your fellow personal assistant from breaking down into tears.
Hours: All of them
Payment: A greater appreciation for the time in which I’m asleep. Plus, by now even the people you friended on Facebook just as a favor to your wife’s aunt are starting leave congratulatory comments on your pictures.
Positions Available: A pair of personal assistants will be needed to provide me with all of the services requested in previous weeks without feeling like a failure. Yes, there will be moments when you’ve fed me, cleaned me, waited patiently for me to evacuate and then cleaned up after me. On top of all of these essential services you’ve performed, I will insist that you hug me every hour than I am awake.
If you don’t hug me, I will probably complain in a manner that is most inhospitable to your eardrums. Your choice will be to: a) hold me until I stop crying, thus establishing a pattern in which I prove able to manipulate you into giving me what I want for your entire stay in that position, or b) come to accept the fact that sometime I’m just going to cry.
Just because I’m crying doesn’t mean you’ve failed in your duties as an assistant. I know you’ll feel down on yourself if you can’t satisfy me all the time, but hey, what boss is completely contented?
Additional duties: Thinking about meeting my future needs in between the ones I’m already complaining about.
Hours: Refer to previous advertisement
Payment: A philosophical epiphany. After all, if I can’t be satisfied at a time when I have just a few needs and an entire team of people working to ensure that I meet them, is it any wonder why so few people seem fulfilled later in life?
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