Monday, December 29, 2008


How to Sleep with a Woman

First of all, let me thank all of you gentlemen who’ve signed up for today’s seminar entitled, “How to Sleep with a Woman.” Before we go any further, it’s been brought to my attention that our poster advertising for this event was rather vague in its description of tonight’s topic, so allow me to further elaborate.

Tonight’s seminar is about how to most effectively share a bed space with your wife. I’m sure many of you, particularly you younger ones, came here to learn how to more effectively do, you know, that other thing, but that’s not what we’re teaching here. Should you ever figure the other thing out, I’m sure this topic will be worth your while to learn. I’m confidant that you’ll agree, but just in case, armed guards have locked this conference hall, and there will be no exiting until I’ve gotten my full 90 minutes.

Look to my right at the screen, which displays a scene from a major motion picture whose name I won’t divulge because of copyright reasons. Suffice to say, this is probably a romantic comedy starring a high-profiled actor and actress that millions twenty-something women have wanted to see together, to find out if they have “chemistry.”

This is one of the early scenes, in which this high-profiled couple is sleeping in the same bed, locked in a loving embrace to show how close they are. Now, let’s look at a later scene, which shows the same high-profile coupling, this time sleeping apart from one another due to some sort of tension. It may be caused by his insensitivity, the demands of his high-stress job, or a breakdown in Middle East peace talks. Whatever the case, movies like this do accurately illustrate one important rule, which is that all relationships experience tension, and that it’s probably a male’s fault.

One thing these movies may not capture quite so astutely is the sleeping positions and the reasons for them: The fact that a man and a woman are not sleeping in an embrace is not necessarily evidence of an emotional rift. They may, in fact, be very close and affectionate while awake, but the male in this case may be a light sleeper. As such, he needs plenty of space in order to get completely comfortable or to scratch whatever itch may occur in the hardest to reach regions of his back.

The woman he is sleeping beside probably will not understand. It has been proven though numerous field tests that, especially among newlyweds, she will pursue and possibly insist on a loving embrace. This male, even of the light sleeper variety, may be game at first until one day he realizes that his new bride is drifting away peacefully in the serenity of his arms, while he remains awake as much as hours later.

This causes him to realize that the only way he’s going to salvage his night’s rest is to untangle himself from her without waking her up. Botching this difficult maneuver has caused many males to find themselves in situations where affectionate snuggling was no longer an option to them even if they desired it.

One solution to this problem is to compromise with her, and go to sleep holding hands. This will probably not help the light-sleeping male zone out in earlier, but after she is asleep it will be considerably easier to extricate one’s hand from hers than to remove an arm that has long-since fallen asleep beneath her torso.

Another solution is to make a habit of going to bed later than her. This will make it easier for you to get into a position of comfortable rest without having to escape from your loving spouse’s grasp. The problem with this approach is two-fold.

First of all, if you make a habit of it she’s likely to catch on and you’ll have picked an entirely trivial source of tension generation, as opposed to working long hours or failing to institute Middle East peace. Secondly, it gives rise to the bedspread problem.

Any male who has ever shared a bed with a woman has almost certainly woken up to find that she has managed to coil all of the bed sheets and blankets around herself, leaving her husband with nothing except the blanket’s warranty tag. If you choose to go to bed later than her, you’ll find this process has already begun by the time you arrive.

If you attempt to use force to resolve the problem, by which I mean yanking your share of blankets back toward yourself, you’re likely to awaken her in a state of mind which will ensure that you find a much less comfortable piece of furniture in another room to sleep on from then on. A better choice is to tug at the blankets, lightly yet firmly. Eventually, her position will change, and relinquishing a greater share of the bedspread.

It’s either that, or go to sleep at the same time as her and attempt to negotiate your way through the pitfalls associated with snuggling. Now we’ll take some questions from the audience.

Q: What if your wife snores? Then what’s the best way to go to sleep?

A: You could try having her sleep with a tennis ball under the back of her nightshirt so that she’ll sleep on her side, rather than her back, thus reducing the severity of the snoring. You could try ear plugs. You could also listen to loud music on ear plugs until you go deaf.

Q: Does buying roses help?

A: As I’ve already explained, that’s not the topic of today’s seminar. But since you brought it up, be careful when buying roses, as they could lead to a greater insistence on snuggling.

It that’s all the questions you have, then our seminar is at its conclusion. For now, gentlemen, sleep well.

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