Saturday, November 15, 2008


The Bond of Realism

Two years ago, EON Productions succeeded in rekindling interest in the James Bond film franchise. They did so by adding a new actor, the rugged Daniel Craig, and a new storytelling approach that placed his ruggedness within the context of fighting terrorism and confronting real-world geopolitical issues, rather than science-fiction fantasies.

This method, coupled with Christian Bale and Christopher Nolan’s similarly grounded and rugged Batman films, have re-inspired an untold number of young men to visit gyms and health clubs the world over, seeking to add a little bit about their heroes’ charming ruggedness to their otherwise undramatic lives.

The subsequent injuries these young men have acquired while attempting to duplicate their ruggedness has since then severely damaged international workplace productivity. In response to this phenomenon, EON Productions has begun work on the next film in the Bond series, with a script entitled The Aches of Realism. It is only a working title, but Internet buzz suggests that it is already considered a better title than Quantum of Solace.

This publication has obtained an advanced copy of the script, a portion of which we will share with readers. In the following scene, Bond has been captured and his being interrogated by main antagonist Vladimir Theodoracopulos, the brilliant geometrician and leader of a worldwide terrorism ring.

Theodoracopulos: Monsieur Bond, you’re probably vondering how I managed to capture you.
Bond: Not really, since I was there at the time, but you might explain it as a courtesy to those who got to the theater late or have skipped to this scene on their DVD.
T: You see, Monsieur Bond, I examined videotaped footage of you zingle-handedly dizpatching six of my best-trained guards. It vas an impressive display of fighting prowess, to be certain, but I noticed you vincing vhen you used your right arm to break zeir necks, pozzibly due to a torn rotator cuff?
B: Indeed, I thought I’d had a most beneficial trip to the health club on Thursday but I haven’t been quite right since.
T: You vere also able to flip ze first two of my guards over your back with no difficulty, but vhen you flipped ze zird you appeared to pull something in your lower back, am I right?
B: I knew I shouldn’t have done that last set of squats.
T: All of zis information I vas able to exploit later. Now zat I have you for questioning, I vill get ze knowledge I seek. First of all, Monsieur Bond, is it true that you speak Spanish, French and Italian?
B: Si, oui and si.
T: German?
B: Ja.
T: Russian and Mandarin Chinese?
B: Yes, but those characters can’t appear in this script.
T: Ze information I zeek, Monsieur Bond, in zis: Learning a foreign language, particularly for the native of a unilingual island nation zuch as ze U.K., is zaid to require as much effort as a four-year university degree.
B: Quite astute of you.
T: How zen could you learn zese six languages and still have ze time to acquire ze skills necessary to dispatch six heavily-armed, well-trained guards?
B: I’d say the answer is right in front of you, Mr. Theodoracopulos.
T: Is zat so, Monsieur Bond?
B: Yes, I did it the same way you became one of the greatest minds in your mathematical field, while founding a worldwide terrorism ring, while managing a legitimate and benign-looking business as a cover.
T: You mean …
B: Yes, Mr. Theodoracopulos: We can do these things because, while they require years and years of training for real people, they only require a screenplay writer five to 10 seconds to write down.
T: So none of zis is possible?
B: Young men wouldn’t be frustrating themselves in gyms all around the world if it were. Then again, if you and I were only doing “possible” things with the same time constraints as the rest of humanity, this movie wouldn’t be very interesting, would it?
T: You know too much, Monsieur Bond!
B: Indeed I do. I know that you have a Russian given name, a Greek surname and you speak in an accent that combines aspects of French and Hungarian.
T: Zat’s it, Monsieur Bond, you die now!

(Enter Batman, who crashes through the glass ceiling that this room has, if only to give something for Batman to crash through.)

T: Vhat are you doing here?!
Batman: (Uses excessively gravelly voice that makes Theodoracopulos cover his ears in agony, thus giving Batman the extra seconds he needs.) Because you’re the kind of bad guy that might be found in both a Bond movie and a Batman movie. Because Warner Brothers and Columbia Pictures thought there was good money to be made in a tie-in. And because it’s in the script.

(Batman punches Theodoracopulos unconscious.)

Bond: You know, you really didn’t have to do that. I had managed to slip out of those handcuffs.
Batman: You could’ve signaled me somehow. You know I didn’t necessarily want to have to punch him, not with this hyperextended bicep I’ve got.
Bond: How’s the sore hip these days?
Batman: The doctor says I need reconstructive surgery. But it was the same doctor who told me that I was getting too much exercise and needed to rest before I seriously hurt myself. I told him, “I don’t do reconstructive surgery, and I don’t do rest.” I used this gravelly voice, so I don’t think he’ll ask me again.
Bond: Bond. James Bond.
Batman: Why did you just say that? I know who you are.
Bond: Because it stipulates in my contract that I get a bonus every time I say it. It doesn’t have to make sense.
Batman: Is that your contract as James Bond, secret agent, or as the actor playing James Bond, secret agent?
Bond: Do I look like I give a damn?

This just got funnier and funnier as the 'article' went on, to the point where the last paragraph made me chuckle out loud, which I don't usually do.

It wouldn't work on screen, but as a read, in one's mind, it works hilariously.

Nice one Rob.

You're develop quite a sarcasm. Has it always been there or have you recently discovered it, like a super-power?
I've always been sarcastic, I just like to think I've grown better at expressing it over the years.
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