Monday, May 26, 2008
Call Now for Yours
You see, if you’ve ever worked for a manager, supervisor, or perhaps the Secretary of Defense, then that means you’ve probably had a disagreement in which you weren’t actually allowed to disagree. Like this:
Man in a Suit with Imperious Demeanor Pointing at Hapless Employer: You’re lazy, you need to lose some weight, and I bet you picked the Celtics to win the NBA finals.
Voice Actor: Of course, the boss is allowed to say such things as frequently as he wants. In this situation, the employee is probably thinking that the boss doesn’t exactly seem to be breaking a sweat in the corner office, that the boss is ugly and he, the employee, can diet, or maybe that the Lakers embody all that is over-commercialized about professional sports today. Of course, he may think it, but he can’t say it, because he might be putting his job in danger if he did.
Even if he said such things and got to keep his job, perhaps every time the company’s employees received a free buffet dinner at Arty’s Artery-Busting Bar & Grill, the boss would “forget” to inform him of the event.
That’s why we at The Gift of Sincerity, Inc., the creators of products such as ImmunoMarriage and ImmunoElection, now offer ImmunoJob, the product that will allow disgruntled employees everywhere the chance to speak their minds!
ImmunoJob is the fast-acting topical cream which releases pheromones causing all listeners in the immediate vicinity to understand the value of your opinions, even if they don’t share them. Maybe your boss won’t care for the points you have to make about his management style, and maybe your supervisor has a very good reason for allowing her teenage daughter to monopolize company phone lines during her summer vacation.
However, whether your remarks be caustically accurate or an illogical diatribe, ImmunoJob guarantees that your boss won’t react to them with spite! And, as long as you reapply the cream every four hours, ImmunoJob will keep you from being repressed all day long! Listen to the following testimonials:
Man in a hard hat: “I been workin’ in construction for 17 years. It used to seem like all the time I’d be liftin’ a beam and the foreman’d come by and tell me I needed to put my back into it. Well, last week, after I used ImmunoJob, I told him that since he became foreman and started spending all of his time in a trailer looking at blueprints and eatin’ Krispy Kremes, he mighta forgotten that beams’re pretty hard on my back. He just started laughin’ and told me that I’d made a dang good point. Thanks, ImmunoJob!”
Woman in Pinstripe Suit: “I’m the campaign manager for a woman who’s been seeking the presidency of the United States. Since her first campaign manager had been dismissed a little while earlier, lots of us were afraid to say anything that might set her off. Then, I started taking ImmunoJob, and well, wouldn’t you know it, but about a month ago she came into our office complaining about how women can’t get any respect on the campaign trail.
I looked her right in the eye and said, ‘As a woman, I wish you wouldn’t group all of us together with you on this. Maybe if you’d held a single principled position in your entire eight-year senate career, and maybe if the way you laugh when you’re on television didn’t suggest that you’d come to harvest our organs for use on your home planet, then maybe you’d get some respect.’ At first I though she was going to flip out, but then she kind of hung her head and said she’d try harder. I feel a lot better about working here now. I mean, she’s still going to lose, but I certainly feel better about it. Thanks, ImmunoJob!”
Voice Actor: So what are you waiting for? Contact us at the Gift of Sincerity, Inc. to order your supply of ImmunoJob! For only $39.99, you can receive ImmunoJob Basic, which will allow you to make thoughtful, rational criticisms of your supervisor’s work performance without any fear of reprisal.
Those of you in special work environments can try ImmunoJob, Brutal Honesty Strength Edition for $59.99. With Brutal Honesty, you need not limit yourself to criticisms of your higher-up’s work performance. Feel free to warn them that their horrendous choice of wardrobe, intolerably corny jokes and the insufferable way they snort when they laugh may one day prompt you to choke them with a phone cord!
Also, those who order in the next 24 hours will receive an extra supply of ImmunoJob, Brown-Noser Edition absolutely free! Feel free to tell your boss’ personal office pet in graphic detail about the nausea he or she prompts in you every time he or she opens that obsequious mouth of his/hers!
Call now at the number you see on the screen, or you can visit our web sit at www.DontYouWishThisProductReallyExisted.com.
This one reminds me of the time you had to sell a sneaker in theater class.
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