Saturday, June 16, 2007


America Needs New Laws for the Morning

If you’ve been following the news on Capital Hill lately, it seems clear that no matter who is in control of Congress, one thing will always be true about the legislative branch: they will always, based on the good old-fashioned values they learned in their homes, support congressional pay raises.

One other thing that always seems to be true: they retain roughly the same amount of popularity. In last fall’s election, spurred on by President Bush’s 30 percent (give or take a few points, based on whether or not he had given a speech that week demonstrating his “resolve,” whatever that was supposed to be) control of Congress changed hands and Democrats picked up 31 House seats. The results of that election have been real and tangible: approval ratings for Congress have skyrocketed from roughly half that of the president’s to slightly behind the president’s, but within the margin of error.

If the Democrats want to solidify their majority in 2008, they have two options: 1) they can unify and campaign under the platform of “Thanks, But We Actually Wanted the Other 31 House Seats” or 2) they can think of innovative legislation that benefits you and I personally.

There are millions of Americans living in border states who didn’t go to college because studying got in the way of their teenage pastimes of underage drinking, and yet still believe society owes them a job. If I were one of those, I’m sure I would care about illegal immigrants coming to take away that gainful employment I’d be owed due to the liquor holding skill I’d been practicing since my youth.

Since I’m not part of that voting bloc, I’d prefer to see Congress tackle an issue that’s much closer to me and many others. It’s an issue that causes thousands of accidents, hinders millions of working Americans, and costs us countless hours of efficiency. The problem of which I speak is, of course, mornings.

If America’s economy is to stay ahead of the Chinese, something has to be done about mornings, and promptly. I envision a bill with the following clauses (I don’t know how the sections of the bill will be numbered, so I’ll just use years when the St. Louis Cardinals won the World Series):

Sec. 1926-Adjustment of temporal flow
There have been a number of incidents in which citizens have awoken, started a bowl of cereal at 7:07 a.m. while skimming the sports section and, upon finishing the headlines, suddenly noticed that it is now 7:38.

Therefore, between the hours between 6-8 a.m., there shall henceforth be allotted twice as many minutes as all other hours of the day. This will give these citizens enough time for the adequate brushing of the teeth, and maybe enough time to reach the business section.

Sec. 1934-Adjustment of gravitational pull
An alarming number of incidents have taken place in which citizens have awoken, and, in their groggy state of mind, attempted to pour a complementary amount of 2 percent milk into a bowl of Wheaties. However, they overestimate their own strength and/or presence of mind at this early time of day, causing a not inconsequential portion of said dairy product to hurdle out of the food vessel and onto the citizens’ shirt/blouse.

This causes the citizen to lose anywhere from five-15 minutes choosing a new non-gender specific garment to adorn their torso, in addition to time that must be spent cleaning kitchen furniture the dairy product has escaped onto.

Therefore, federal funding will be allotted to research groups seeking to develop gravitational reduction devices we may equip each American home with for those morning hours.

Sec. 1964-Enhanced dairy longevity
Time spent pouring the milk into the cereal can be avoided in the mornings altogether, and instead done in the evenings, when the citizen’s increased state of alertness may allow for greater time savings. Therefore, research must be financed into the development of milk which maintains its freshness overnight. This clause is complementary to:

Sec. 1982-Strengthened integrity of breakfast cereal
Milk which does not sour of overnight is of little use to the breakfast-consuming citizen whose cereal has experienced post meridiem soggification. Henceforth, research into cereal which retains its constitution while immersed in dairy overnight must also be funded.

Sec. 2006-Status of those considered excessively adroit during the ante meridiem hours
It has come to our attention that there is a significant demographic of Americans who refer to themselves as “morning people.” They are characterized by early arrival at the workplace, a noticeable lack of facial creases, and a preternaturally positive temperament in the hours before lunch.

“Morning people” shall henceforth be required to register with the federal government. The above changes appropriated above shall not apply to the morning people, since they obviously don’t need the help. However, these people shall henceforth be required by law to stop being so happy about it.

Now we have a law the American people of all political persuasions can appreciate. If a congressman or senator wants to latch on an amendment requiring the mass-production of an appliance that can keep bananas from going bad so quickly, I’m all for that, too.

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